confessions are in order

I have pride in myself for many things. I am intelligent and thoughtful. And it’s not just because I am a graduate student working on a Master’s Degree. I have the tendency to think through things logically. I can’t watch a movie or television show without thinking about it from a cultural anthropology lens and asking myself, “What does this say about our culture?”

I also consider myself to have a strong work ethic. I started working when I was 15 years old and that’s the same age that I began saving money. I have also managed my financial situations and worked my butt off. Yes, I have about $25,000 in student loans but that is for two college degree’s and some of those amounts are from attending private colleges. I never had the expectation that I can get something for nothing. I always work hard and make myself responsible to get what I want and need in life.

Thirdly, I am health conscious. I think about the food I ate and how my body will react to it. I desire to be healthy and in shape. I really enjoy working out at the gym and watching my strength increase over time. I know people who hate and loathe healthy food and working out. I have grown to love it while still loving a balance of lazy mornings or occasional junk food.

So here’s my big confession. I smoke. I smoke cigarettes. They are gross but difficult to say goodbye to. I wish that all the great things I say about myself wouldn’t be undermined by this simple fact that I smoke.

I’m not trying to be over dramatic or complain about how horrible it is. I mean, it could be worse right? I could do something illegal or against my morals. But smoking is gross, and I’m getting too close to being 30 years old to continue wasting my money on something that will slowly kill me.

So my lack of blogging this week has been due mainly to the fact that I am sick but also because I didn’t want to talk about quitting smoking. I’ve had 5 smokes since Sunday and Danny Boy is making me look like a jerk and has had 0. I am proud to say that I am doing this for myself and ready to be done with evil nicotine.

One observation I will make from the last few times I’ve tried to quit is that people will sabotage your progress. I should amend that and say people who smoke will try to sabotage you. It’s a funny thing but when you try quitting, all the other people who smoke start to see that it’s almost their turn and they get scared. I understand it’s scary but I definitely recommend to people trying to quit to not tell anyone about it and just do it for themselves. The more you talk, the more you crave.

So farewell cigarettes. I know that I said this a few years ago and did quit for a while but came crawling back a year ago. This won’t happen again. The money you take from me is just not worth the unhealthy and gross habit you require me to have.



6 thoughts on “confessions are in order

  1. Well done! Keep it up girl. I am also turning Thirty years old and been thinking about to quit smoking for months… I have to do it soon if not tonight.. IF I stop this bad habit I will be able to get to the old healthy me…

    • Please do quit smoking soon! It’s such a waste of money, time, and effort. Just this week alone, I feel like I have more free time because I’m not thinking about or planning a smoke break. Find someone for support. If my boyfriend wasn’t relying on me to enforce no smoking, it would be a lot harder. When you have someone else counting on you, it becomes more important!!!!

  2. Colleen, all of this is good and in order. You know I’m rooting for you to quit smoking and be healthy & happy.

    I do need to reinforce one notion you touched upon, but in my opinion overlooked. Of course that thing is logic (my favorite one word subject).

    The will to quit smoking, is different than the logic of smoking. The logic is physical addiction. It is in our biology, like hunger and hydration, our bodies have this programing for survival and tragically we have created substances that trigger the same reaction. I know all of this is… “No Duh!”, but it is the core of the problem, and it should not be overlooked in the vein of “Self-empowerment”, because Tobacco, is not a charcter flaw like bad dieting or bitting your finger nails (like I do), its a legititmate medical disorder.

    I say this not to discourage you, or undermine your will, but to add a layer of humility, that IF you continue to struggle, don’t blame your will-power or yourself, instead, seek proffessional treatment, and discuss it with a specialists, find alternatives to ease your body off Nicotein with healthier lower dose solutions. Just know there are many options and different pathways to this solution and your not less of a person if you need them.

    If you can do it the old-fashioned way, I will throw you a pizza-party, my treat, if you fail and resort to some degree of medical treatment and/or addiction assistance programs, I will throw you a piza-party, my treat.

    Make it happen!

    • Thanks Shawn! I am doing it the old fashioned, cold turkey way. While using something to help me ease off nicotine is something I might resort to in the future, I’d much rather use healthy living as my motivation. So far, being a bossy girlfriend is probably the bigger motivator factor but it’s working. I like the idea of a pizza party! PS Dan’s favorite pizza toppings are pepperoni and mushrooms as well!

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