Steroids in Hockey? A parody


March 25, 2010
By Colleen Boyle

A study has been implemented today to test whether or not the appearance the controversial television show Jersey Shore has a relationship to the sudden onset of Ovechkin’s steroid use and recent fist pumping tendencies.

The Washington Capitals are leading the league and was the first team this season to clinch a number one division spot. But to some of Ovechkin’s teammates, winning is not worth what they have to endure off the ice.

An anonymous tipster went to a local police station early in the morning but refused to give his identity in a very detailed and desperate letter explaining why Ovechkin has been the top goal scorer in the NHL and has had a recent boost in performance.

The letter claims Ovechkin began watching MTV’s Jersey Shore and that’s when the hair gel fiasco began. The first time Ovechkin used the hair gel, he did not let it dry and was unable to remove his helmet at the end of the game and the next day was stuck to a hotel room pillow.

Teammates immediately noticed a change in behavior and became suspicious of steroid use when his over-aggressive behavior soon caused him to break a treadmill in the team’s private gym. Rumors in the locker room spread that Ovechkin had even admitted the steroid use to a few players but those witnesses have refused to come forward.

“Alex even got himself a two-game suspension when he pushed that red-headed kid from Chicago into the boards. I mean, we all know not to do that… coach told him before the game to not push anyone” the letter is quoted to explain.

The anonymous teammate drew the line and finally decided to come forward.

“Just stop the fist-pumping, please. I just can’t take no more fist pumping.”

Sidney Crosby was not available to comment on the recent breaking news about his arch enemy.

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